Advice in the mess #4

How I’m Learning to Parent Without Losing My Mind (Or My Teen’s Trust)

Let’s talk about something that gets tricky real fast: discipline versus connection.
Your goal is for your kid to grow up with responsibility and respect. At the same time, you want them to trust you. You want them to open up to you and feel safe around you. Some days, those goals feel completely opposite.

So here I am—writing this as a mom still figuring it out.

Lately, I’ve been asking: How do I hold the line without becoming the enemy?
How do I correct behavior while keeping the relationship strong?

This is what I’ve learned (and am still learning) while parenting a growing, beautiful, bold teenage daughter.

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Discipline is Needed… But So is Relationship

I used to think parenting meant being “on” all the time—correcting, redirecting, reminding. But here’s what I’ve found: discipline without connection just feels like control.
And connection without boundaries feels like chaos.

So I’m finding the middle.

Sometimes that looks like saying:

• “I love you too much to let you skip responsibility.”
• “I know you’re frustrated, and I still expect you to follow through.”
• “I hear you… and these are the house rules.”

Boundaries actually build trust when they’re clear, consistent, and delivered with love—not just volume.

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The Reminder Wars (and How We Found Peace)

Here’s some real talk: constantly reminding my daughter what she needed to do was draining both of us. She’d get frustrated. I’d get louder. She felt micromanaged. I felt unheard.
And as much as I wanted to say, “I don’t care if she’s frustrated,” I did. Because I got it.

So I tried something new.

I created a weekly to-do list with tasks already filled in for each day, including specific times.
Underneath it? A consequence list—if chores weren’t done by the time listed, I’d pick one of four preset consequences. Simple. Predictable. Clear.

Has it worked? Yep.
I’m not nagging.
She’s not tuning me out.
We’re not circling the same arguments every day.
It’s helped our relationship and the rhythm of our home.

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Real Talk: I’m Not a “Feelings” Person… But I’m Learning

I’ve never been the “let’s-sit-and-process-our-emotions” type. Feelings weren’t really emphasized when I was growing up.
But parenting a teenager? Whew. It requires emotional availability I wasn’t used to giving.

And the truth? I’m learning as I write this blog. Every day, I’m stretching. Trying. Growing.

I’ve had to slow down.
I’ve had to listen more than I speak (hard!).
And I’ve had to admit, “Hey, I’m still learning how to do this too.”

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Her Stepdad Changed the Game

Another game-changer? Her stepdad.

Having a thoughtful, steady male voice in the house has shifted everything. He sees things from a dad’s perspective that I just don’t. Sometimes we disagree, but I love hearing his take—it opens up new angles.

He wasn’t raised with sisters, so teenage girl emotions? Yeah… this is new for him. But he’s showing up, asking questions, learning with us.

His presence helps balance mine.
Where I bring empathy, he brings structure.
Where I feel unsure, he brings calm.
Together, we’re learning to parent as a team—and it’s making all the difference.

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Let’s Keep This Real

Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. What works for one kid won’t always work for the next.
But what does work—every time—is presence.
Showing up. Staying consistent.
Apologizing when you get it wrong.
And being open to doing it differently tomorrow.

So let me ask you:
Where do you find yourself leaning—toward discipline or connection? How do you balance both?

👉 Drop a comment. Share your wins. Share your mess.
We’re building this Advice in the Mess community together.

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💌 Want to Keep the Series Going?

👉 If you’ve missed the last few posts in the Advice in the Mess series, be sure to go back. Catch up on what you missed!

Each one is full of real stories, raw truths, and lessons I’ve learned the hard way (and am still learning). Whether you’re navigating chaos, trying to connect with your teen, or just looking for a reminder, you are not alone. This space is for you. ❤️

Go back, dive in, and let’s grow through the mess—together.

And don’t forget: Blog #5 is coming soon—“She’s Not Me”. We’ll talk about what it’s like raising a daughter who isn’t a mini-you. We’re learning to lead with love, not control. Stay tuned!

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Next post: #5: The Day My Teen Called Me Out, and She Was Right.